I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Good Morning.