I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Some people were born into their job.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Finally
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.