My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.