I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.