my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.