Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.