One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”