sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok