Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
The cashier just checked me out.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.