People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
You Might Also Like
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?