I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta