The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.