Me checking my bank balance online.
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
There is wisdom there.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?