My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.