You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.