An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Nothing to do, you say?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.