Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more