My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I love it all
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*