I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!