if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”