*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Not recommended for beginners.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at