WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.