Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.