[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The biggest mystery of our time
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Did I do this right
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Not all heroes wear capes…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Oh boy, $150,000!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”