“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
You Might Also Like
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.