If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
BRAKING NEWS!!
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.