“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has