If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
How wrong was this guy?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them