What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When you let grandma cat sit
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
taking June’s advice to heart
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.