you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this