After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Saturday
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!