I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question