boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
j o i m p
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.