a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.