Twitter remains undefeated
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
📽️movie date🎞️
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir