This is why I hate group projects
You Might Also Like
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I WON A HAM TODAY
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what