I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration