peeping toms
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
We’re all getting idioter.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork