Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king