Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You Might Also Like
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?