Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Woke up against my better judgment again
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*