Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
A dad and his duck
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it