Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”