[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
best review i’ve ever seen
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.