In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.