Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.