yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
β Έ : yoink
me stop that
A lot of people still donβt seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Best table by far
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, heβd file a restraining order against me.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I asked my brothers why theyβre getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mumπ
I just want to live in a world where stupid people donβt knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, βanyone in there?!β
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
respect
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.