You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword