Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
You Might Also Like
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?