3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
when dads have a rap battle
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.